I am a particle.
Constantly shifting its position
without
any preordained logic.
I fail to locate myself on the time-space axis.
I am never where I am.
I keep chasing myself.
I keep building myself.
I keep
traveling the world of my thoughts
Constantly building the next space or the next
moment
Shifting
between déjà vu and intuitions
Like the
way video games construct the maps
Or the
surroundings only immediately.
Humans live
at an intersection
of time, space and feeling.
You belong to a particular place
Only
when all three are justified
I could never find my third coordinate,
a sense of feeling something truly.
I tried
to feel as to how it should be
Or how
it must be
to most
people who ever felt it,
but all
I was doing was pretending
and assuring myself that I existed.
I hardly exist.
I believe when people say I do
I believe the mirror too.
But these are just reflections
Of thoughts and glass
And reflections might be illusions.
On winter afternoons
When rays of sun
Walk through the window
And flow on my forehead
In form of droplets of sweat
And my heart beats faster
I am confused again.
Sometimes
I wake up in the middle of the night
Waiting for the silhouette of reality
Emerge from the vestiges of dreams
And like a blind person
I begin searching
For proofs of my existence
My pulse awake,
I still feel an urge
To talk immediately to someone
Just to make sure I am there.
And all this is because
I have seen moments lose memories
As if they never were.
I have
humans turn to bodies
And bodies turn
to ashes
And I have
seen the ashes
Melting in
the river
And I have
seen the bangles
Still stick
to dead bones
As melted
plastic.
I have seen blood
And the fear of it,
Kill
revolutions
And I have
seen revolutions
Erase reminiscences of blood.
I have seen love changing to passion
And swords swearing of love
Piercing the heart of the lover
While not even making a sound
Except the screeching silence
Of swords meeting flesh.
I have seen dreams being still born.
And so I have seen
Constancy becoming a variable.
While I was still searching my existence,
It changed.
